The offer for the new job came on a Monday afternoon. The soon-to-be new boss asked when I’d be available for a phone conversation…I am nervous, but give her a time and during the call, I get the offer. Because I lied about my current salary, the offer comes in at about 19% over with a 10% bonus and about 13 grand in options that vest every year after the first 2 years. So I’m looking at an almost 20% jump in salary right out of the box, and in two years an almost 50% increase. In the style of Don Corleone, this is an offer I can’t refuse. I don’t even counter and decide to accept. But before I accept, I need to take a sick day to catch up on my PS3. I bang out Tuesday because I have ‘an explosive stomach issue’ and roll in Wednesday with a resignation letter I downloaded off of office.com. Microsoft has a template and everything, just fill in the blanks and you’re all set. I hand in my resignation letter to my sorta boss and call a department meeting to make the announcement to everyone else. I almost gave a shit. I took it easy that afternoon and called it a day, after all, Thursdays were my work from home day.
Work from home day starts out normal with me working out, whacking off and occasionally checking my email. But because of the extra special I don’t give a shit factor, I fire up hockey on the PS3 and start going to town. I only have a dozen games left in the season so I need to wrap up the season. I get an IM in the middle of the first period from the sorta boss to give him a call. I do and he counters the offer, trying his best to get me to stay. I politely decline and I’m agitated that he interrupted my hockey game. I was on a roll, but I lose because I’m completely off my game due to his call. That bastard. I’ll make them pay pretty well for this. I need to come up with another way to leech off of them to make this worth my while. I’m suddenly motivated to not give a shit. This should be interesting…
4 days to go… This shit can only happen to me.
I made one of my goals before leaving to be to get at least some hand release from someone in the office. I begrudgingly gave in to Bob’s request that it not be the Ex or Rosie AKA Dino. This led me to my first lunch ever with Ducky. Ducky is a very attractive younger girl who has this uncontrollable urge for silliness which I like to use for entertainment. She got the nickname when she came to my office – which I shared with Willy the New Guy (My coworker who had been there 2 years but somehow it stuck) – and made duck quacks until it annoyed Willy to the point he left the office. Annoying people is what I do best. When Ducky found out I was leaving, she was visibly upset and, dare I say, heartbroken. She then asked me out to lunch in my last week and I of course accepted. When pretty girls ask me out for food I can’t help but say yes.
The day comes and we decide we’re going to the Townie restaurant (where we won’t run into any company people) and that she’ll drive. I’m not sure of the logistics but I’m pretty sure I’m going to get some titty play out of this at least. Then, it happens:
Ducky: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: Sure, why not.
Ducky: It’s really personal, you might not want to answer it.
Me: (thinking ‘okay, if you insist, I’ll show it to you, but you have to promise you won’t touch it.) Ask away.
Ducky: Two years ago, did you cheat on your wife with a girl named Alison?
SCCCCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!!
After my initial denial I manage to ask her a few questions through the adrenaline and I’m able to decipher the following. According to Some Stupid Cock I Don’t Even Know, 2 years ago during the summer I hooked up with a friend of his named Alison, who’s part of the company I just resigned from. She’s not too solid on any of the other details other than she was told this by Some Stupid Cock I Don’t Even Know literally last night. I dance around any details but in no uncertain terms deny any relations with someone named Alison. This puts a pretty big ass damper on the lunch conversation in my mind. I have no idea how to ask for a blow job now. We end up having a really nice lunch where I find her attractive, entertaining, politically incorrect and with as sick of a sense of humor as I have. These are all the qualities of a woman who’s mouth I’d like to drop a nut in. I am the one now heartbroken. We head back to the office and I make a joke how I’m going to go back to her cube tuck in my shirt in front of everyone and thank her for a wonderful lunch. We both laugh and I shed a tear for what might have been.
I get back to my office and I have an IM from the Admin asking me how my lunch was and if I’d recommend Ducky for a blow job in the parking lot. I immediately ignore all other messages and emails to go talk to him. He’s on the phone so I decide to wait. As I’m standing there, fleecing the company $30+ an hour it hits me. I run back to my office and have the following IM exchange with Ducky:
Me: That thing you asked me about at lunch, was her name not Alison, but Dumb Sales Skank?
Ducky: Think so
Ducky: It’s possible
Ducky: Why?
Me: Oh my god…
Me: I know exactly what you’re talking about
Ducky: haha
Ducky: :-)~
Ducky: Were you a bad boy?????
Me: Not at all, I was just really naive and stupid.
Some Stupid Cock I Don’t Even Know fucked up the story and somehow the sales meeting story switched from comical failure to typical success. Somewhere along the line, this story got changed by either her or this douche bag into me fucking her. I then have to explain to Ducky the whole sales meeting story and how I almost hooked up until I realized I was going to hook up and ran like hell. I’m not even 100% sure she bought it, because, let’s be honest, even though all my stories are 100% truthful, they are a bit unbelievable. I have eye witnesses to this one and it’s still hard to believe.
I end up telling Superhero this story and all she can do is laugh at me. I talk to NYC and all she does is laugh at me, I have a fireside chat with My Office Wife and all she can do is laugh. This is my life, I have some crazy woman running around and saying that I slept with her when I didn’t. I thought guys only did that. Not to mention this is 2 years after the fact…how long has this fucking story been floating around without me getting wind of it? I fuck and get shit, I don’t fuck and I get shit, what am I supposed to do?
Thank fucking god I’m leaving this company…
