I’ll have to preface this story with a few details. First off, this was just before my massive weight loss. I was a husky 6’ 2”, 225 pounds. Second, I had just found out we were pregnant with our second child and I was still very much in love and satisfied with my wife. Third, consider this the coming out party of me, the reckless and lunatic mother fucker you see before you today. That being said, welcome to hot girls and free booze…
The amazing thing about this evening is how it started, and the end opinion of the higher ups – it’s like they never knew what happened. The Legal Dept. went out to a very nice wine bar and restaurant for dinner. I am literally the only non-lawyer at a table of 10 people, and there’s only one of them can hang with me in any way shape or form, let’s just call him The Fat Aussie. The Fat Aussie and I had just met that day and we immediately clicked, can’t explain why, we just did. At dinner, we were the only ones at the table who ordered beer instead of wine and we ordered an app when everyone else pussed out. We actually ordered the same entrée and looked at each other with the same look of shock when we saw the portions of lobster ravioli came out. The only other reason to mention this dinner (other than the look of appall we gave each other) is the near verbal brawl I got into with the General Counsel of our company just because I said Tom Hanks was a no talent hack who got out-acted by Vin Diesel in Saving Private Ryan. Sometimes it’s just fun to push buttons. Dinner ended and the big wigs left us to join the riffraff at the company party.
While the rest of the company was hanging out in the banquet hall, the remains of the legal department hung out drinking free beers in the lobby. We started a grosser than gross contest which I confess I lost (only because I blacked out fletching, come on, wouldn’t you?) and it trumped my Blumpkin. Though I lost the battle, I ended up winning the war with me retelling ‘The Blowjob Story‘ , it was the closest any of us nerdy bastards came to living an actual evil sexual deed. Not only did I save face with this tale, NYC stole me away to the ladies room with her and her friends in front of everyone. Backtrack just a little. NYC is a marketing friend of mine that I had never met until that day (literally, we had talked, we had IM’ed, but it was our first face to face meeting) and she can best be described by saying that though as she may not be the hottest girl in the room she’s in (but never far off), but, damn if she doesn’t get the attention of the entire room no matter what. She’s extremely attractive, and also has that certain I don’t know what that demands your attention. To have her walk up to our little group of retarded boys and steal me away to buy me drinks (she owed me a favor) established me as the alpha male. God I love her for it. I ended up meeting her boss (we shall dub her Cocksucking Whore, because of her actions later that night and I may have called her that earlier in the evening) and establishing my now infamous reputation. At some point during the evening I had NYC and Cocksucking Whore under each arm, and NYC decided to introduce me to one of her teammates. I ended up blowing off her teammate because I ran out of arms to put her under. I did not know this until said teammate confronted me on this months later. Oops. I’m funny, fuck her.
After the open bar, we end up in hotel bar. I end up losing the Legal guys and am exclusively hanging with the new friends I had made that day. NYC and Cocksucking whore are hanging out with me because I’m funny, even though at the very least I call CSW a slut. At one point after a few minutes of separation, I see NYC and offer her my hand, she grabs it, I pull her close and whisper into her ear, ‘Oh the things I could do to you with a rusty coat hanger…’.
This is when I knew NYC and I were friends for life. Not only did she not call the cops, she laughed her ass off and there was an instant connection. She loved me and was no more than 12 feet away from me the rest of the night. Ok, maybe she was worried about someone else calling the cops, but we had a bond I swear. Somewhere around here I ended up bumping into one of my boss’s best friends at the bar. Evidently I told her she was a MILF. Normally this isn’t THAT bad if they know what a MILF is. Well, if they don’t know what a MILF is, and you explain it to them, I’m pretty sure that’s an HR moment…and there were many, many witnesses to this. Let’s not forget, I’m in the LEGAL department, and she’s one of my boss’s best friends. This would be horribly bad if it weren’t so funny.
We end up closing the hotel bar and NYC has me escort her to a local Irish pub (the bar from the ‘What Do I Have To Say’ story…) where our company has taken over. We are both throwing back drinks (that she’s still buying) as we plot to cockblock on each others’ behalf. Methinks we have a solid game plan to protect me when all of a sudden an outside sales rep manages to weasel her way into our conversation. She barely registers in the conversation as I tell NYC that the Dumb Sales Skank has a ‘black girl’s ass’. As we continue our conversation I don’t even notice that our new friend has started straddling my leg and has worked her way up to my lap as I’m sitting on a bar stool and is rocking back and forth to the music. Dumb Sales Skank tells me that there’s a poker game in her room that she wants to invite me to. I tell her with all sincerity that I don’t know how to play poker. She tells me that she’ll teach me. I tell her I don’t like poker. Yes, before you even ask, I am this retarded. She tells me that it will be fun, and I finally concede and agree to go back to the hotel with her.
As we are walking out the door I say good bye to NYC, put my jacket on DSS because it’s snowing and I’m a gentleman and shit, and we go on our way. As we enter the hotel there seems to be a lot more people than you’d expect in the lobby for 1AM. We go to the elevators (she’s on the 23rd floor) to find they’ve been shut down. Next thing you know, the Fire Department is activating one of the elevators so they can take it to investigate a fire alarm. By now I have my coat back, but she still has her arm around me and is talking to some people she knows. Suddenly the red light goes off in my head. I don’t think poker means poker, maybe she means ‘poke her’. Again, yes, I am this retarded. I tell her I need to use the bathroom. While standing at the urinal pissing about a gallon of free beer away I have the eternal debate of do I drive home, completely obliterated, risking DUI or an accident in the middle of a snow storm or do I wait out the fire dept. and take my chances upstairs. As I’m driving the wrong way out of the parking garage I realized I made the right decision. I needed the first temptation like this, but I needed to be able to walk away unscathed. If it didn’t go down this way, I’m pretty sure there would have been no Toronto 2 Story (coming soon).
