I’m not even sure where to begin on this one, I mean, it was a night of mayhem that I was responsible for which means none of it was my fault. I’m sweet and innocent, don’t look at me like that…
Anyway, I decided since I had nothing better to do I was going to meet up with Unkles and his buddies to watch the playoff football games at a local sports bar. Unkles was going to be showing up a little late because he was working, but I figured I’d meet up with his buddies before he got there, the only problem is I don’t have their cells. I stroll into the crowded bar and case the place for them and don’t see them anywhere. Great, now I’m the lonely guy hanging out at the sports bar because I have no friends and I’m drinking a 35oz. beer (important detail for later) like an alcoholic. Well that portion of the analysis was spot on at least.
After a little bit I cruise the place again (it’s pretty packed, it’s the championship game and the local team is in it) and spot The Eyebrow, he introduces me to The Player to be Named Later. Great, I’m the youngest by 4 years of a crew of 3 recently divorced/divorcing guys and one guy who’s never been married. Why don’t we just get hosed down with pussy repellent on top of it all. After about 3 beers and eating I’m feeling pretty good. I’ve ignored the game completely and concentrated on getting my self in ‘The Mood’. There’s only 3 stools at our table of 4 people so we’re rotating sitting and standing. At the next table there’s husky Samoan bitch taking up 2 stools by putting her foot on one.
Me: That’s not right, why does the Samoan get a stool for her Kankle?
I turn around and I see another fat pig staring at me. She must have confused my gaze in her general direction and thought that it was at her, and not her hotter but slightly weathered friend. I remind myself we will not be fucking any fatties tonight and return to the conversation at the table. They seem to be rambling how Player to be Named Later is smooth with the ladies because he’s fucking the Eyebrow’s landlord. Dear god, if that’s what impresses these guys, wait until they get a load of me…
And with that, I spill my brand new beer (all 35 ounces) right into my brother’s lap. I am that smooth. As the looks go around the table wondering who brought the cool kid and will this end up like a) nascar (I get completely shithoused and stumble around mindlessly accosting random innocents) or b) the last baseball game I went to with The Eyebrow and Unkles (I get completely shithoused and mindlessly accost random innocents), I feel the need to vindicate myself. I stare randomly at the slightly weathered friend when the fattie makes eye contact with me and calls me over. I sit down and make nice with her party of friends. Unfortunately it’s 5 people already in the booth so I have to sit next to fattie, completely blocking me from the weathered hottie. We all make introductions and I become standard, witty NothingOfConsequence. The fattie asks me about my friends.
Me: That’s my brother, Unkles, that’s his old buddy The Eyebrow, and the other guy I don’t know from a hole in the wall, he’s the Player to be Named Later.
Fattie: The Player to be Named Later is a bit of an ass checker.
Me: You know what, that’s his new name, he is now the Ass Checker.
And there you have it, The Player to be Named Later was now named the Ass Checker. When I returned to the posse, everyone else found this amusing but him. He went over to fattie and friends to solicit a name change but to no avail. If even the drunken bar skanks notice you’re checking every ass that goes by, then don’t be surprised if you’re dubbed the Ass Checker. Nice going Playa…
After the first game the place clears out a bit and we can finally get seating for our group and we even upgrade our table. I could give a shit about this since 3 of the five friends left the table leaving Slightly weathered and fattie behind. I need to re-assert myself as alpha male of the group I decide to make my move. I walk over, don’t even ask, and sit down opposite of the girls. I start making small talk with them. Totally boring shit but I think I might have an outside shot of pulling the slightly weathered chick, it’s a pride thing now I have to got for it.
Me: So how old are you ladies?
Fattie: Actually we both just turned 21.
Me: Shenanigans!!!
And with an exaggerated wave of my hands, I spill my second beer (another 35 ounces) across the table onto the girls. The sound of the vaginas shutting as the beer hit their lap was like a sonic boom. Again, I have to say, I got skillz.. Within minutes we say goodbye and I don’t even bother asking for numbers. I ended up stumbling back to the table with the boys. They were impressed that I got that far. I was pissed that they set such low standards for the evening. Obvious failure is not an option to me, I will only settle for spectacular failure.
I take a quick stroll and case what’s left of the joint. The place is like a third full and there isn’t much out there. Defeated, I start walking back to the table. On the way there I realize that there is a table of 3 women less than 6 feet from our table, and there’s a very attractive brunette who’s eyeballing me like she’s 38 and I’m wedding cake. No truer words have ever been typed…
I decide that if I’m going to fuck up spectacularly, it’s going to be on the big screen for the boys, if not right in front of them. I move in for the proverbial kill. I start up with ‘My name is NothingofConsequence and I’m an asshole’ and start up a conversation which I think 100% revolves around my ass, which for some reason doesn’t shock me.
Me: I’ve been told I look like Dane Cook, which I find insulting because I’m actually funny, and I don’t have his bank account. So at best, I would describe myself as a poor man’s Dane Cook.
Hot Brunette: Can you bend over again so we can take a look at your ass?
HB: (with me bending over and her looking at my ass) Yes, I can definitely see how you’d be a poor man’s Dane Cook…
Me: Looking at the other two) All it takes is one look at my ass, where I keep my wallet, and she’s already calling me the poor man’s Dane Cook. I guess it’s pretty obvious what she cares about.
Everyone else thought it was funny…
I eventually work Unkles in without him even realizing it and pull a bait and switch that a used car salesman would be proud of. I end up chatting with the other two to realize that a) the older one is 40, way out of my range of ‘younger and hotter’, and b) the younger one is her daughter, and is only 20 and that makes me feel beyond creepy. Say what you want, but hitting on a 20 year old is pretty bad (not my worst, that would be The Worst Story that Never Happened…) but a close second, and the fact that it was in front of her mom would put it over the top. She was adorable, but still appeared to have her baby teeth. That made it wrong. Somewhere around here Unkles lifts his shirt and asks the hot blond to feel his ‘b-cup’. Yeah. This is the shit I’m fighting with. Talk about an uphill battle. As we’re figuring everything out the hot brunette comes up to me and feels the need for a powwow.
Hot Brunette: I like your brother, but I really like you…
Me: Honestly, I’m flattered…
HB: I want to be friends with you tonight…
Me: Honestly, I’m flattered. You’re a beautiful girl, but you deserve so much better than me. I’m not even officially divorced yet, I’m not ready to move on with my life…
I would like to thank the academy, without them, this award winning moment wouldn’t be possible…
I eventually convince her that its in her best interest to hook up with Unkles and I’m happy. I end up hanging out with mom and daughter while Unkles and the Hot Brunette go to the bar for conversation and lip service. The Eyebrow and Ass Checker end up leaving, evidently because for some reason the Ass Checker felt I as a touch too abusive. Fuck them the thin skinned bitches, like war, everyone that goes into battles doesn’t walk out.
While I’m entertaining the troops like Bob Hope, Unkles is making out at the bar as far as I can tell, and I feel a tinge of pride over the situation. Normally, this story would end up with me dropping my nut in the back of this poor girl’s throat, but I was able to use my powers for good, not evil, and ended up getting my brother hooked up. At this point, I’m happy… Until I hear about the conversation between the two of them while I wasn’t in ear shot.
It’s all hazy but these concepts were brought up: what type of father would Unkles be, would he be willing to impregnate her, would he be willing to get married again. At this point I throw up in my mouth and stop the conversation. Fuck kid, learn how to work and know when you’re being worked. This will end worse than I can ever imagine.
Unkles will not shut up about how great this whore is, it bothers me to no end. I feel like telling the kid she offered to suck on my nuts before she settled for him but cooler heads prevail. He’s my brother, I couldn’t do that to him. We must all make our own mistakes, I think this one for him will be called ‘Ex-Wife #3′. You can’t imagine how proud I feel about this. To be continued…
