Strolling around the office looking for anything else other than work to do, my work issued cell phone rings. It’s the New and Improved Boss.
Me: This better be important, I’m on my way to marketing to flirt with a 6 foot blonde.
N&IB: I don’t know if it’s more important than that but Some Dried Up Twat left me 4 voice mails about something or other. I’m on my way to a meeting can you talk to her?
Me: You’re kidding right? They don’t call her Some Dried Up Twat for nothing. You owe me.
N&IB: Much obliged, and try not to offend her, remember, you’re pretty much the only person in this department that anyone in this company likes.
Now that’s a sobering thought.
I barge in to SDUT’s office and interrupt her meeting with someone, hello, who’s freaking hot with massive cones. Time for me to put on the charm…
Me: So why are you harassing my boss?
SDUT: I inherited a bunch of headaches when they fired some shithead, I’m just trying to see where they all stand?
Me: (making eye contact with the other woman, smirking, seductively, like only I can) I’m sorry, I don’t see how that’s my problem. (looking towards the other person) I’m sorry, I’m Nothing Of Consequence…
SH: I’m Superhero…
SDUT: Well he had a bunch of action items that were outstanding with your department?
Me: Sure you must have a better argument than that for this to be thrown at my feet, do you know what my workload looks like?
SDUT: Well according to the database, it’s been assigned to you…
Me: Yes, well if you look at the database it will tell you of the 5,000 items in it, about 3,000 of them are assigned to me. Are you trying to punish me because I actually do my work?
SDUT: (smiling, evidently, she thinks I’m joking) No, I’m just trying to close the loop on this, supposedly it’s not that difficult.
Me: I’ll be the judge of that, I don’t go around telling you that your job is easy (knowing full well that the task is that easy and plan on putting one of my adorable college interns on resolving it when I get around to it). When does this need to be done?
SDUT: Friday would be great.
Me: Why Friday?
SDUT: Well I’m on vacation next week.
Me: So I should drop everything, re-prioritize my entire workload, just to accommodate your vacation?
SDUT: Well, yes…
Me: Perfect, It will be in your inbox first thing Monday morning.
SDUT: But I’ll be on vacation…
Me: Again, I don’t see how that’s my problem. When you come in the next Monday, you can be a week behind on that project. I refuse to be the bottleneck.
SDUT: (laughing, still thinking I’m joking) You can’t be serious…
Me: (looking directly at SH, who is in awe at this point) Let me explain something to you, I’ve taught autistic children to wipe their own ass, I’m pretty sure I can teach you the virtues of patience…
And with that I walk out.
Shortly thereafter I bump into N&IB in the hall.
N&IB: So did you handle that problem?
Me: Of course, oh you might want to monitor HR for any complaints about me, I’m not saying, I’m just saying…
He did not look comforted.
On my way out that night SuperHero Stopped me.
SH:Oh my god, it’s you.
Me:I get that allot, at least when I visit my mom…
SH: I told everyone on my team what happened and you’re our hero.
Me: Really? I thought I was just being an asshole.
SH: She’s a bitch to everyone, but she actually thought you were joking.
Me: I never joke about ass wiping, certain things are sacred.
SH: You’re too funny, something tells me we’re going to be great friends.
Me: Something tells me after several beers we’re going to make some bad decisions.
And with that, a new friendship is born…
