so much for honesty…

I finally got around to telling my mom about the GirlFriend.  The most humbling moment was when she told me, ‘I’m sure if you like her, she’s a nice girl…’ Talk about a let down. My mom still sees me as the socially inept retarded 19 year old I left her house as a decade and a half ago. For some reason I didn’t feel the need to argue with Vagina that Spawned me that I’m a bit more of a poon hound now, but parents certainly know how to cut you down at the knees. Fucking umbilical cord…

It’s all about tact

Last night I learned something else I shouldn’t say. evidently ever…

“I get distracted by the sound of you gagging on my penis.”

For some reason, a woman can take that the wrong way, who knew?

A Prodigy at Cock blocking…

Took the boys to the mall today to get me and The Boy a hair cut. decided we would hit the pet store to pass the time while we waited. Hey, everybody knows the mall pet store is the single dad’s zoo.  No admission and there’s a Bertucci’s a few feet away where you can grab a beer. Anywho…

A really cute red head catches my eye when we enter and evidently I catch her eye, because, well, it’s 10:30 on a Saturday in the mall, I’m literally the only one under 60 and not powerwalking the joint.  The Boy runs off to plot something devious to do to the ferrets (Daddy hopes at least) while the Prodge runs back and forth to the kennels shouting ‘Puppy!’ and ‘Hi!’ to the dogs, like they’re going to talk back. He’s lucky he’s cute otherwise he’d never make it in life. As he’s shouting to one of the dogs the Red Head decides to make her move and brings over this adorable husky for the Prodge. He looks at her, touches the husky and walks away to harass a dog behind glass. What the fuck kid. If I wasn’t going to be balls deep tomorrow in someone that wasn’t your mother I’d be livid.  Little bugger…

I’m not even sure how to blog this…

I came home the other day. this isn’t news. I gave The Girlfriend my key so she could enter the house before me because she wasn’t feeling well and left work early.  Not a particularly bad thing, but she hit my dresser to change into comfy clothes, which is where the rub begins. She’s an attractive girl, I’ll admit, but when you see her you’re not overwhelmed. throw several back, and she gets exponentially hotter, there’s something about her. So when I walk into my pot smelling house and into my living room to see her curled up in my comforter and my Bloodhound Gang ‘You’re pretty when I’m Drunk’ t’shirt, the irony is dripping.

My faith restored

I think God is trying to bring me back to the fold and is reaching out to me. Not only did he miraculously heal my broken penis so that I can give the Girlfriend some serious dicking tomorrow when I see her, the sight of The Prodge running out into the living room naked and shaking his toddler ass to Iggy Pop’s ‘Lust for Life’, proves not only there is a God, but his sense of humor is just as fucked up as mine.

Cock injury

I feel like Carl Pavano or Matt Clement. I’m the big money free agent with no track record but wicked ’stuff’, but now my shoulder is out of whack and I’m on the DL. I have a case of what the ball players call, ‘the raw cock’, evidently I’ve been snapping off the breaking stuff a bit too much, working through bad mechanics and only making it worse. I missed my start in the rotation today but hopefully won’t have to be put on the DL. My next start is Monday, hopefully I’ll be able to take the ball.

Translation: I fucked myself raw, I’m sore as hell, sitting on a block of ice and have a girlfriend that’s jonesing for some deep dicking. This is the hell that is my life…