It’s all about marketing

I got successful road head for the second time in my life yesterday. Both times involved me driving women to the local Dunkin’ Donuts, them buying not only a coffee, but a double chocolate donut as well. Something tells me if they let me pitch for them, male purchases at Dunkin’ would go up a hell of a lot more than when they brought in the Rachel Ray bitch.  I’m not saying, I’m just saying, blow jobs market themselves, they don’t need to advertise.

The problem with love…

…is you have to clean it up with bleach. Damn, I wish I didn’t get those white flannel sheets.

Love is…

…when you have sex with a girl on her period, even when she has hang ups about the whole thing. True love is when she goes down on you a couple hours later even though you haven’t showered. When she was done she came up, told me how much she loves going down on me and kisses me. It tasted like she had been sucking on an old penny…

That’s love.

Welcome to my world…

I went out with Unkles last night for some beers and to watch the football game.  Eventually once the statute of limitations is up, I will post that story. Anywho.

Cost of my portion of the tab: $97
Cost of the beer I spilt into someone else’s lap: $14
Number of brother pissed at me after said beer spill: 1
Number of vaginas that snapped shut like mouse traps after the second spill: 2
Number of women who wanted to blow me in the parking but will end up going out on a classy date with my older brother: 1

Hearing your older brother who you’ve looked up to most of your life utter the following sentence, ‘I can’t believe the shit you say to women and get away with, and not only you get away with, but they eat it up. How do you fucking do it?’: Priceless

Because I care…

I came across this today, and based on the new image you can see above, I think you can all agree that this would be a good purchase for NothingOfConsequence.

Mangroomer 

Best. Email. Ever.

“I just wanted to let you know that the papers are ready and that you should be served them in the next week. After that, we’ll be able to get a court date.

The soon to be ex-wife.”

Random emails like this make me realize that I’m glad I’m lazy. She just saved me about a grand. I think I will try anal sex with the girlfriend this weekend to celebrate…

Kids say the darnedest things…

I stumbled across an old email I sent someone about my first intern’s first day working for me. I hired her because she was cute, 21, had big cones and was willing to work for $9 an hour. If I had only known she was 100% raw entertainment, I would have paid her more out of my own pocket. She went right from the grocery store to her first cubicle. This is a list of quotes from her first two hours on the job.

‘Is it okay to give people nicknames around here as long as I get their okay?’

‘You know what I love about this job? I can take off my shoes, I can’t do that at my other job.’

‘Can I put an inspirational saying in my email signature, like have a great day or something?’

And my favorite- ‘Did you know every NothingOfConsequence I know is a really nice guy?’
And before I could stop myself ‘No, because I don’t know any of the NothingOfConsequence’s you know…’

Someone hasn’t had their spirit broken yet as a corporate whore…

If you ask me, it’s because I’m fucking charming… pt. 2

As we were walking into the office from lunch today, The GirlFriend is prattling on and on about something – but since I had the extra beer I wasn’t really listening. As we are about to enter the building, we walk by a small group of moderately attractive young women.

GF: If only you worked in a different department, you wouldn’t have to put up with me, you’d want some other pretty young girl
Me: The only person I want is you
GF: (flustered) Wow, what’s a girl to say to that? I’m speechless…
Me: That was the whole point, to get you to shut the fuck up…

Thank god she doesn’t carry small arms.

Better safe than sorry…

Hypothetically speaking, and definitely not speaking from any personal experience whatsoever, it may be a bad time to discover that a girl is a potential squirter when you’re having sex in a high class hotel and she’s on her period. Unless of course you don’t mind being questioned by the police in an assault case. Again, I’m just assuming…

If you ask me, it’s because I’m fucking charming…

Actual conversation I had with the GirlFriend:

GF: I wanted to hit you today at lunch when you were being all slick with all the other girls at the table.
Me: Why, are you getting jealous?
GF: No, it’s just so painfully obvious you’re just trying to be charming with them, and they eat it up.
Me: And that’s my fault?
GF: No, it’s just so sad that they fall for it and think you’re so sweet and charming…
Me: …said the girl who sneaks off to the woods to have sex with me…

Wow, if looks could kill.