Oh Canada…

With NothingOfConsequence preparing for his upcoming move to Canada, he’s been a bit busy. I figured I’d throw a new post up tonight to keep things fresh, but I really had nothing to say. So for some inspiration, I surfed for a while and then I saw this in an ad for Busted Tees:

Honestly, I haven’t laughed so hard in weeks.

This says it all…

http://ilovebigtits.wordpress.com/

Dream boat, that’s me…

It was thanksgiving for the in-laws today, so I got to pack and move more shit out of the house into my future hell hole, aka, Canada. I then went to my buddy DJ’s house. Only my oldest friend ever, bordering on 30 years. If there was a guy I trust with my life and/or penis, it would be him. I showed up and immediately started pounding the beers with DJ. I’m a big fan of free beer… and we shot the shit until his wife got home.

The fucked up thing is, I’ve known him for 30 years, I’ve known her for 16 years, yet I didn’t introduce them to each other. We start joking that their daughter’s beard is from daddy but their daughter’s hairy back is from her uncle NothingOfConsequence. Her mother finally took pity on me, and offered to shave my back for me sight unseen. I don’t know about you, but that’s a come-on where I come from. Except for her being married to my oldest and dearest friend, I’m sure she’d blow me, and that’s wrong…and she wants to set me up with one of her friends.

Yes, that’s what I want, a townie broad who’s friends with you, with no proof that she swallows or will even blow me in a parking lot, much less the parking lot behind the bar she just bought me several rounds at. Finding Ms. Right is tougher than you might think…

The Prodge: Future Master Cocksman

Went to my parents house for the holidays. The Prodge and The Boy came along and the Prodge was downright ornery. Whiny, wouldn’t talk, a general pain in the ass. Then my brother’s step son came by with his really cute high school girlfriend. The Prodge instantly drops what he’s doing and runs up to her. He finagles his way to her, and manages to get her to sit down and starts chatting her up. Un-fucking believable. He’s a pain in the ass one minute, but the minute a hot young thing walks into the room it’s game on and he’s off to work. The kid has got his priorities straight, that’s for sure.

What the fuck are you thinking?

I was planning on taking The Boy and The Prodge to my parents for thanksgiving dinner today. I told the soon to be Ex Wife I was leaving around 4 to go. Evidently she thought she was invited, because around 3:30 she got off her fat ass and hopped in the shower. Realizing that she may have delusions of coming with me for the free food, I immediately pack up the crew and we high tale it out of there.

What the fuck is she thinking? I told her I wanted a divorce more than 2 months ago, I’m moving to Canada in less than 2 weeks, and I am still sleeping in the fucking basement and she thinks she’s going to my parents to celebrate the holidays? She is fucking retarded.

Topical conversation

Met the Girlfriend for coffee yesterday morning. Nothing too exciting happened but for some odd reason, rather than getting a hand job, we started talking about the news.

GF: Did you hear about the guy who’s wife is missing?
Me: Oh yeah, she would tell him she was going to leave him every time she had PMS. I can’t imagine that.
GF: Actually, this is his third wife, his other two wives died too. Don’t you think that suspicious?
Me: I think that makes him the luckiest man on earth…
GF: (with a slightly hurt look in her eye) Good thing I’m only your mistress.
Me: (leaning in and giving her a kiss) Keep playing your cards right and you might one day make it to be my girlfriend.

She did not think I was funny.

The Prodge is off the mark…

I sent an email to The Wingman, and Yahoo conveniently put up a random yahoo personals ad up that confused The Prodge who was sitting on my lap.

The Prodge: (pointing to the fat titted latino bitch on the screen) Mama?
Me: If that was mama, we wouldn’t be getting a divorce…

I have no idea where that came from, the bitch on yahoo was actually fucking hot…

Two kids, no waiting…

The soon to be ex-cunt (I say that with the utmost affection) went to see her even fatter cousin tonight to have dinner. When I say even fatter cousin, you can’t comprehend, she’s probably got the soon to be ex wife by at least a bill, which has them combined exceeding over 550 pounds. That’s a whole lot of Rosie. I think they are slaying and eating an entire cow, but it would be petty of me to say. Anywho, I’ve just noticed that it’s hard to maintain an 8 hour buzz while watching 2 small children. Thankfully, I’m a professional at this sort of shit.

A touch snippy one would say…

Shit’s hitting the fan around here, which is entertaining at least. Evidently last night I didn’t put away my bowl and gladware container that I ate dinner out of and left them in the sink. Wow, you’d a thunk I raped her grandmother (again) or something, because she was full on hot in her passive/aggressive way. I, however, was full on hammered since it was UFC night on Spike when I found ‘The Note’. The Note told me how much of a douche I was, and that she ‘wasn’t my maid’. This is full on irony considering I’m the one who does all the laundry, takes out the trash, cleans the cat box and does quite a ridiculous amount of household chores that makes me the envy of all my female friends. Anywho…

The Note also said that we needed to sit down and discuss shit and encouraged me to ‘be sober’ for it. Considering I have to drink this much just to accept the fact that I live in a fucking basement with her having full run of the rest of the house, I took great offense to that remark. I decided since she left me a note, I’d respond to her on said note.

“Cool Beans. I’m moving out in two weeks. If I have to be sober you have to lose 50 pounds, you fat cunt.”

Ok, I may have left that last sentence off…

Reason #847 for my imminent divorce…

I’m watching Anchorman for the first time in months because the situation at work makes me long to see the scene in Ron’s office after the big fight scene. ‘That escalated quickly. Yeah, that really got out of hand fast…’ I’m hanging out with my oldest when a certain line comes up and though I cough to mask it, I miss covering it up.

The Boy: So San Diego means a whale’s vagina?
Me: No, it means Saint Diego…
The Boy: Oh, ok…

What are the odds that’s going to come up during Thanksgiving dinner? Six years old and he’ll be talking about whale snatch to the wife. This might rank up there with the time when he was 2 and I couldn’t get him to stop saying ‘Shit’ in the toy store, or the time I sent him on his last day of school at catholic kindergarten chanting ‘WuTang Clan ain’t nothing to mess with…’

Women have a very poor sense of humor about this sort of shit. I wonder what my home theater looks like cut in half…