How To Win Friends

Sometimes my edgy brand of humor is a detriment. I don’t remember much of last night (the phrase black out drunk comes to mind…) but I went out with my brother. I tried to hook him up with this broad who was obviously more into me. I jokingly told her I was gay in order to bait and switch.

Chick: I can’t believe you’re gay…
Me: I’m not gay, I was joking
Chick: No, you’re so gay…
Me: I’m so gay I want to cum all over your fat tits…(she was of the thicker variety…)
Chick:You’re so gay. this is my boyfriend, maybe he’s more your speed (grabs Seth Rogan look alike who’s my height who has 40 pounds on me)
Me: (to Boyfriend) I’m so gay, I’m going to cum all over your girlfriend’s fat tits tonight…

The night went down hill from there I think. It’s ten and I’m still hung over. The shame spiral continues…

so much for honesty…

I finally got around to telling my mom about the GirlFriend.  The most humbling moment was when she told me, ‘I’m sure if you like her, she’s a nice girl…’ Talk about a let down. My mom still sees me as the socially inept retarded 19 year old I left her house as a decade and a half ago. For some reason I didn’t feel the need to argue with Vagina that Spawned me that I’m a bit more of a poon hound now, but parents certainly know how to cut you down at the knees. Fucking umbilical cord…

It’s all about tact

Last night I learned something else I shouldn’t say. evidently ever…

“I get distracted by the sound of you gagging on my penis.”

For some reason, a woman can take that the wrong way, who knew?

A Prodigy at Cock blocking…

Took the boys to the mall today to get me and The Boy a hair cut. decided we would hit the pet store to pass the time while we waited. Hey, everybody knows the mall pet store is the single dad’s zoo.  No admission and there’s a Bertucci’s a few feet away where you can grab a beer. Anywho…

A really cute red head catches my eye when we enter and evidently I catch her eye, because, well, it’s 10:30 on a Saturday in the mall, I’m literally the only one under 60 and not powerwalking the joint.  The Boy runs off to plot something devious to do to the ferrets (Daddy hopes at least) while the Prodge runs back and forth to the kennels shouting ‘Puppy!’ and ‘Hi!’ to the dogs, like they’re going to talk back. He’s lucky he’s cute otherwise he’d never make it in life. As he’s shouting to one of the dogs the Red Head decides to make her move and brings over this adorable husky for the Prodge. He looks at her, touches the husky and walks away to harass a dog behind glass. What the fuck kid. If I wasn’t going to be balls deep tomorrow in someone that wasn’t your mother I’d be livid.  Little bugger…

I’m not even sure how to blog this…

I came home the other day. this isn’t news. I gave The Girlfriend my key so she could enter the house before me because she wasn’t feeling well and left work early.  Not a particularly bad thing, but she hit my dresser to change into comfy clothes, which is where the rub begins. She’s an attractive girl, I’ll admit, but when you see her you’re not overwhelmed. throw several back, and she gets exponentially hotter, there’s something about her. So when I walk into my pot smelling house and into my living room to see her curled up in my comforter and my Bloodhound Gang ‘You’re pretty when I’m Drunk’ t’shirt, the irony is dripping.

My faith restored

I think God is trying to bring me back to the fold and is reaching out to me. Not only did he miraculously heal my broken penis so that I can give the Girlfriend some serious dicking tomorrow when I see her, the sight of The Prodge running out into the living room naked and shaking his toddler ass to Iggy Pop’s ‘Lust for Life’, proves not only there is a God, but his sense of humor is just as fucked up as mine.

Cock injury

I feel like Carl Pavano or Matt Clement. I’m the big money free agent with no track record but wicked ’stuff’, but now my shoulder is out of whack and I’m on the DL. I have a case of what the ball players call, ‘the raw cock’, evidently I’ve been snapping off the breaking stuff a bit too much, working through bad mechanics and only making it worse. I missed my start in the rotation today but hopefully won’t have to be put on the DL. My next start is Monday, hopefully I’ll be able to take the ball.

Translation: I fucked myself raw, I’m sore as hell, sitting on a block of ice and have a girlfriend that’s jonesing for some deep dicking. This is the hell that is my life…

Foreshadowing…

Picture the scene, the GirlFriend and I are out for a romantic evening, things are going fantastic, we are discussing how very soon she wants me to take her anal cherry. I am giddy with excitement. Then, I say something stupid, and things go horribly wrong. We end up leaving the restaurant with her in tears and me just sloppy drunk. Unable to find a cab because she wants to go home and then ‘go home’, I manage to get her to go into another restaurant/nightclub so that they can call us a cab. I have a quick conversation with the friendly but daunting bouncer and he volunteers to help us out. She storms off to the bathroom because she has the bladder of a 3 year old. The Bouncer makes it through the first 6 numbers on their cab list and gets nothing for us. Suddenly as the GirlFriend returns, I make eye contact with the gay maitre d’.

Gay Maitre d‘: You look familiar, like someone famous…
Me: I get that a lot.
GM: No, you look like, wait a minute, you know, J-Lo’s ex boyfriend?
GirlFriend: You mean Ben Affleck?
GM: EXACTLY!
Me: (giggling on the inside) That’s kinda funny, Ben’s actually my cousin, I’m Tod, one d…
GM: (pushing aside the bouncer) Let me handle this. (Gets on the phone with the very first cab company on the list), I need a cab here right away, I have a VIP!

He then apologizes to me that we have to wait 10 minutes for the cab. I suddenly feel inspired for our next trip to Canada, I will no longer be the chubby Ben Affleck…

Retarded Chicks vs. Regular Chicks.

I’m pretty sure the reason I don’t bang retarded chicks is because normal chicks aren’t far off. The Ex IM’ed me the other night to ask my opinion of the photo of her new tits that she emailed me. I told her they were nice and that it’s a shame that I don’t get to slap them around anymore. She jokingly asked me if I sent them over to Bob, to which I said of course not, I deleted the email right after I opened the picture. The irony of this is I immediately forwarded the email to Bob giggling like a school girl. After a 10 minute conversation I eventually convinced her that I didn’t do anything with the picture besides delete it because I respect her too much as a friend and a person, and I certainly didn’t forward it to Bob, who has since jerked off to it at least a half dozen times.

I’d like to thank the Academy, my co-stars and God, for making this all possible, without them I’d be just another aspiring actor working the glory holes of West Hollywood. Peace out Bitches…

I can’t make this shit up…

I just got an IM from the ex mouth I used to cum in. I replied and went to take a piss thinking I should really ask her for an updated picture so I can see how the tit job and tummy tuck came out. I don’t want to hit it anymore, but knowing I could hit it would be jerk off material. I come back to the computer and sure enough, sitting there in my inbox was a shot of her raising her shirt to show me the new tits. Does this happen to anyone else? I mean, I haven’t even seen this girl in 9 months and she’s emailing me pictures of her tits in order to make me fuck her again. Please tell me this happens to other people, I can’t handle this shit…